Monday, 17 June 2013

Paranoid Again

A delusion triggered - “That Callum Leckie” a voice snarked snidely; I beamed a green laser beam from my croaked blinds, hoping of course to take out an eye. I spook myself with my own refection eye - speckled red and wide grey lines sunken, a nerve-band tightens around my temples pale nerves little nerves frozen - lost my sense of perspective along with my humour - voices deepen.
A stranger to myself I turn up music loud...Drown out “their” threats as well as my own. Another story of disaffected isolation, another number another writer another line. I'm not up for dinner..A pot noodle will do. Write what you know they say. Re-cycle my episodes. Unseen obsessed spectacle of my own making- oblivious. Exercise. The pathos of it all makes up for something. I think. A recurrent nightmare for my mother to handle. A recurrent irritant. Again.
Rage followed fear fear followed indignation – despair.
From whisper to all out....You know where it leads. White noise. High pitched whistle mono-robotic birds sounds an air of sinister manipulation - phone tapped recordings intense internet scrutiny. From a loose cord to a noose cord. Fucking wrong footed in spite myself again on back-down Again. I consume a can of cider in under a minute, it soothes somewhat – Mutilation followed.
I make a dash to door to door window to window - Tapping the window pane with a knife..trying to look menacing to an absent unseen army. Crouched on the offensive - five – hours – on the offensive  ...defeat exhausted I wake unaware of my surroundings, vacant minded. My Flat stank of doctors too - weeks later it still stank. Wicked blooms of sound crept on me Again...Before I slept sedate once more.

1 comment:

  1. That sounds so frightening. My friend suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. All the height of her illness she was so convinced of her 'delusions' - she was so frightened - that it was impossible to reach her. I think that must be the worst part - having to face the terror alone, being unable to trust a soul. I think that sufferers must be very brave to deal with such a condition.