Day Out

Teetering towards a new psychosis. On a bench I sit not far from madness, being overwhelmed by the sense of certainty that I can steal anything.

What that 'anything' is of little interest.

All this is probably why I find myself shoplifting in Holland & Barrett- vitamin pills.

A stationary set – W. H. Smith.

A packet of Durex condoms - Super-Drug. 

An old tea cosy - Oxfam. 

My master-plan in JJB – aborted. The glamour's suddenly drained.

Yet my hallucinations continued to inflate. I enter Tesco's Supermarket – nab sesame seeds, a cat collar, a bottle of brandy [Courvoisier] And this concludes my botched attempt at villainy.

Scared, I ran, got tackled, got carted off, got locked in a back office.

Fuck. All exciting stuff. I hadn't been out of my flat for over a month.

The staff's body lingo fluctuates from semi-excitement to bemused boredom. We wait for the police. Deluding myself, I decide to play them off like fools. I think- create tension; one-way aggression. A misguided narcissism it seems. I'll mutter on about the moralities of supermarkets. A youngster mithering.

Speak?

No, close your eyes.

Weep, say nothing.

The lame security guard plays out his role in a 3 o'clock soap. And he's reveling in it. But so am I. His daft performance is ham, ham-fisted, underpaid. But one shouldn't judge.

The other way around I can see he pities me. Why?

Cuffed- stuffed in a police van. Superhero to vagabond in a flash.

Ego dwindling now. Limp dicked- all the strutting quashed.

Then tests, then questions, more tests, more questions, florid bureaucracy and a surprisingly polite police staff.

Nice cup of tea in my cell. Very builders'- strong, sweet.

I quietly meditate myself down to a calm composure that borders on the pathological. On that square my voices rest. I believe I pass the pen-pusher's tests.

I analyse today's events with strict obsessive methodical thinking for five hours, in solitary without bootlaces.

After the five hours I am released- not exactly the orgasm I expected. An under whelming conclusion- just a caution. And a four year ban from entering that branch of Tesco's.